"Hi God!"

Tonight, Baby Girl had her first dance recital. On the way home, she suddenly exclaimed, "It's my favorite colors--orange and purple and pinkish-blueish." I commented on the beginnings of sunset above the clouds. (It was, in fact, quite pretty.) Then the conversation went like this: Baby Girl: It is pretty. I can even see the people in the world. Me: Really? Wow! Baby Girl: (with a serious expression as she looks at me) I can even see God! Me: I'm so glad. (pause) Baby Girl: (excitedly) Hi God! Me: Did you know God can see you? Baby Girl: Hi God! (looking at me pouting-ly) I can't hear God. Me: I know sweetie, but God can see you. God is always with us. That's as far as it went as we turned into the driveway of the place we stopped for ice cream to celebrate the recital night!

Any *May* a Beautiful Change

Katherine is hosting a blog carnival today. So, on this May 1st, I'm doing a new thing--joining a blog carnival! It's all about beautiful changes, which since it is May 1st, I had to do.... May 1st is a significant day for me. In fact, I wrote about it in 2008. But today I'll add even more. May 1st, 2010 was the day after exactly 7 years in my first call, I began my second call. Today marks two years in this place, this place where I feel that I am supposed to be at this part of life's journey. May 1st, 2011 I was wondering when my second baby would decide to make her appearance. That happened on May 4th. So, for me--May brings lots of beautiful changes. I always think of my sense of call--both in terms of church vocation, but also in the rest of life--my call to be a wife and a mommy. I did stop on my way home today and bought Hershey's kisses again. But more importantly I think of my two amazing girls, both May babies and think of the beautiful changes that happen each and every day in them. I look at Precious, now just days away from age 1, and Baby Girl, now just weeks away from age 4, and my heart swells with love for them. And though part of me hates to think of all the changes yet to come because I'll miss my babies, I know that there will be lots more beautiful changes.

3 years, 10 months, 23 days

Without a trip to the emergency room (as a patient that is)... I guess that's not a bad run for our Baby Girl. Hopefully it's at least that long before we have to take Precious or Baby Girl needs to go again! We were worried about a concussion, but she's okay. She did awesome during the CT scan; the radiologist was impressed. And by the time we left the ER, she was acting like herself again!

Mama's Girl

I am upstairs in my house, futilely trying to write a sermon for tomorrow. Meanwhile, downstairs my baby (Precious) is screaming her head off. She's in Daddy's capable hands, but she wants Mommy. Which means I'm in this position I hate--balancing mommyhood and ministry. It's not like I was overly busy in the office this week--this sermon just won't come! And so now my whole family suffers. Precious is unhappy. Daddy is unhappy because he can't do the stuff he wants to do on his day off (never mind all the stuff that I do around the house too). Baby Girl is watching too much tv because that is Daddy's method of keeping both girls occupied. Precious doesn't watch tv even when it's on--just not interested. But then he doesn't have to occupy two. And I have a hard time writing because my baby is crying and it is the most distracting sound in the world. And I'm reminded of how often I'm failing at trying to do it all. I've given up trying to do it all--but I need to get a little more done than I am every day.

Sigh.

Precious is quiet now--guess I should try again to make this sermon come!

285

Today, I met my goal. 285 ounces of my milk donated to the milk bank. Milk that will help NICU babies and others for whom it is prescribed by their doctors. I've been pumping exclusively for Precious for the last 8 months or so ~ she'll be 10 months old on Sunday. Pumping is getting tiring and (TMI warning...) I've been starting to get painful bleeding cracks. It's time to slow down.

So, I've made goals.
1. 285 ounces donated to milk bank. (This was 3 trips with a certain cooler I have full each time--that's the significance of the amount!)

2. Precious gets MOSTLY fresh (as in within the same 24 hours) milk until her first birthday. Right now, I'm pumping twice a day, morning and night. She gets all that milk, plus about 4 ounces of my frozen milk.

3. After her birthday, I may think of cutting back to one pumping session a day. It'll depend on what is still in the freezer. I'm going to hold off on cow's milk until a bit later--14-15 months or so. I don't think she'll have a problem with it, but as her surgery is at 13 months I don't want to risk anything complicating having surgery. And, I won't be adding something new when she's recovering.

So, first goal met. It makes me a bit sad that the number isn't bigger for donating, but I'm doing the best I can is so many areas. And this is something good after all.

Which is Easier?

Yesterday I went to a newly forming mom's group. Baby Girl was the oldest child there though one mom also has an older child too along with the toddler that joined her. That mom and I were the only two there with more than one child. I don't know if she was asked--and honestly we all were kind of talking over one another and there was lots of child noise--but the question was asked if it was easier to go to 2 children from 1 or having the first child. At the moment, I said that too many other changes were happening in our lives to make a true comparison--that I think it'd have been easier to add children than it was to become a first-time mom. (Which is what the person asking the question thought.)

But after today, I don't think so. Today, Baby Girl went with hubby to his parent's and will come home tomorrow. Which means it was just me and Precious. This is the first day it's been just the two of us in a very long time. And it was really good in a lot of ways. I snuggled her and read her books. I wasn't constantly having to redirect her from whatever it was Baby Girl was doing that couldn't really be played with by her. I didn't have to share my attention with a 3 1/2 year old. When she napped (a marathon nap! for her--2+ hours), I could do laundry and get more things done than I can when Baby Girl is around. When she had a meltdown, I could deal with it more calmly because Baby Girl wasn't making it worse.

Yes, I'm not quite as nervous or panicky about some things. But when I baby-proofed for Baby Girl, it was done. Now, I try--but Baby Girl does have toys that are too small and I try really hard to keep them in the other room, but she doesn't quite get that fully yet and so they make their way back at times. Baby Girl also has things that are 'safe' but she doesn't want Precious to get into. (And I don't really want Precious sharing sippy cups--no need to share germs! Baby Girl is forever leaving hers in reach of Precious.) My store of patience wasn't multiplied when I had another child and I'm afraid that it gets used up more quickly than it could or should. I don't know if that's just because Baby Girl is 3 1/2 and testing limits or if I'm just not patient enough.

I don't know that one or the other is easier. It's just different. And--life feels hard right now most days. I think it's more a function of working full-time (only mom in the group doing that, 1 other works part-time) in my particular vocation and Hubby's schedule. And my pumping schedule--I can't go to bed early and I can't sleep in. (Sometimes I do get to go back to sleep in the morning and I have had a nap or two after the girls are down and before pumping, but not usually.)

Time flies and they grow so fast. As I snuggled Precious today, I don't want her to grow faster. But I want things to change--I want to give her more undivided attention. I think I tend to put Baby Girl first because I feel Precious won't remember as much.

No matter what, it's never easier. Being a mommy is a hard job. Hopefully this group will help us all do it better.

Update

We saw the specialist for Precious on Monday. She has fluid in her ears which necessitates tubes (not unusual for a baby with a cleft--or lots of kids). They did a hearing test and there is some minor hearing loss. But this came with a dilemma--do tubes now or wait until the major surgery. Doing tubes is a pretty common procedure, but does require anesthesia. Hubby was all for tubes--both his older kids had multiple sets and it's no big deal for him. It's really only a few minutes. I said, "but it's my baby..." AND, Precious hasn't had an ear infection and doesn't seem bothered by her ears at all. Our specialist said that if she felt strongly that something was right, she would push us hard. In this case, she said, there's not a clear right or wrong. While we were doing the hearing test (and thinking about what to do), she said she asked all her colleagues who were in that day their opinion and it was evenly divided. "You are good parents, no matter what you choose," she told us. And, she also told us that as Precious is growing so well, that if we want to do surgery earlier we can--do both at once then. Hubby asked about whether the ears would get worse if we wait; the answer is no. I asked, "If it was your child, what would you do?" Without a second's hesitation, she said she would wait. So that's what we will do. Her response pushed me over the edge to the waiting side.

Precious is scheduled for her 3 1/2 hour (!) surgery on June 12. If she has ear infections or seems bothered by her ears or we notice significant hearing loss before then, we can reschedule and do things earlier. So...now we know...and I'm starting to worry. They are going to put my baby under for 3 1/2 hours! So I'm trying not to think about it too much. Easier said than done. I never forget that she has a cleft palate, but I had gotten so it wasn't all-consuming. It's back to all-consuming, which I don't have time for. I have so much to do; I can't do it all; and I'm so overwhelmed that I'm not functioning on all cylinders. I lack motivation and I'm tired. I just want to stay home and snuggle with Precious (and Baby Girl)--neither of whom would be content to snuggle all day, but there you have it.